Wammy's Warthog War
by Citrine Nebulae
Summary: Mello challenges Linda to a Warthog War for a bet...she agrees to the stakes. She's unfamiliar with the game, but she never would've expected what happens..T for language. One-shot. Silly.


**This was longer than I thought it'd be, but that's okay. It was fun to write. ;)**

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"So let me get this straight," Linda said, holding the Xbox controller with two fingers like it was diseased. "If I beat you, then you have to buy me a whole new set of paints and stop eating chocolate for an entire day?"

"Yes, I already said that," Mello said impatiently. "And if I beat you, you have to go do something that will get you at least a week's punishment from Roger."

"What exactly do you gain by me being in trouble?" Linda muttered to herself, even though she had a good idea. Her being confined to her room left Near wide open for Mello's wrath. "You're the one who squeezed all my paint down the sink. Why should I have to bet you for new ones?"

"Because otherwise you won't get them," Mello retorted nastily. He looked down at the console and made sure that the controllers were plugged in, then turned it on. Linda took a seat on the couch, while Mello stayed standing.

"Now," Mello said. "The first one to die three times loses. The only weapon allowed is the driver's seat of the Warthog. You can't operate the Gauss Cannon or Chain Gun at all, or you lose."

"The driver's seat?" Linda asked. "You mean we have to run over eachother?"

"Yes," Mello said. "We will run into eachother until one of us is ejected from our Warthog. Then, if the person without a Warthog is killed, they gain a death. However, if the player gets to a new Warthog before dying, then they can continue."

"Got it," Linda said, looking at her controller. The buttons were extremely foreign to her, but if all she had to do was run into him and squish him, then she should be okay. Mello selected a battleground called Blood Gulch, which didn't sound especially optimistic to Linda.

Linda's orange player appeared on her half of the screen, while Mello's black player appeared on the other. It was severely disorienting, but she got used to it quickly. She looked down at her controller and thumbed one of the joysticks. It took a moment, but her character moved forward. She glanced at Mello, but he didn't appear to be getting any sort of lag from his controller. Whatever. She wasn't going to bring it up. She'd manage. She didn't want to show any kind of weakness. She needed those paints.

Linda made her way over to the jeep-like vehicle and stood next to the driver's side. She looked down at her controller, looking for the correct button. When she looked up to clarify which one it was, she was startled to see that her character had already hopped in. Okay. That was weird.

Mello was already in his vehicle as well, and he was roaring down the center of the battleground toward her. She yelped and started driving, intending to hit him head on. This vehicle was _so stupid_. Why was it so hard to drive? The Warthog jerked to the side and grazed Mello's vehicle on the side, flipping it several times. Mello roared and immediately righted it and swung around. Linda stared at her controller in shock. That was not what she meant to do. She had the joystick pushed straight forward. Oh well. She had nearly killed him that first time because of the accident. She wasn't about to complain.

Mello's vehicle bore down on her own, looking nearly as frightening as the blond himself. She drove straight at him, and once again the vehicle started drifting to the right. Mello twisted the joystick and they slammed into eachother head on. The fronts of the vehicles ground together for a few seconds, then continued on in their own direction. Linda's tried to figure out how to turn her Warthog around but it was already going. Not fast enough

Wham!

Mello's Warthog hit hers directly in the side, flipping it. Linda squealed, hoping that the vehicle wouldn't land on her and kill her. Her character automatically ejected mid-turn. Just in time. The Warthog slammed into the ground upside down, and she was safely out of the way.

"Yeah!" she cheered enthusiastically. Her luck was baffling. "Ack!" she yelled at Mello's Warthog came directly at her. The character sprinted out of the way, behind a rock. Once again, she looked at her controller in confusion. She didn't do that. The real Mello growled and clenched his controller tighter.

The Warthog drove at her again, but the character jumped out of the way and Mello hit her upside down vehicle. It spun and landed right side up. Her character ran at it and jumped in without her consent. What was going on? She glanced at Mello. He wasn't looking at her. She leaned back and waited, not touching any buttons. She wanted to see what would happen.

The Warthog she was in twisted and drove at Mello, who was still recovering from the impact. It ran into him, flipping the Warthog upside down. Mello's black character ejected and dodged as Linda's Warthog drove at him. Immediately, her Warthog twisted around and ran into him, squishing him into oblivion under the tires.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Mello screamed, whirling on her. Linda quickly put her fingers back on the controls before he noticed. Mello couldn't shout at her any more as he respawned and had to get back into a vehicle.

The dance continued for several minutes. Mello managed to knock Linda's character out of the Warthog a few more times, but never was able to kill her. He was red in the face and spouting very colorful words. She continued to pretend to play, still not sure what was going on. But it didn't matter. She was winning. _New paints, here I come._

Blood spurted as Linda's Warthog pinned Mello's character to a rock, killing him. Just one more kill! She could see the steam shooting out of his ears. Mello rammed his vehicle into hers, spinning it upside down. This time the character didn't manage to eject in time and was killed underneath it. She bit her lip_. Come on…_

Mello had relaxed an infinitesimal amount. He drove towards her again, but before they could collide, his character ejected. The empty Warthog slammed into Linda's, but it spun through the air and landed right side up. She stared at the screen in grim determination. _Go go go go, new paints, pleaaaaaaaaase._

Her Warthog ran into the empty Warthog. She looked at the scene in shock. What was that supposed to do? The Warthog flew through the air. Mello yelled and tried to jump out of the way, but the Warthog slammed directly into him in midair, killing him. That was the third time! _PAINTPAINTPAINTPAINT YES!_

Mello threw the controller against the wall, and it broke in several places. He turned to her, his hair messy and eyes wild.

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT? ONLY MATT CAN BEAT ME AT HALO!" He ranted for a few more minutes. During this time, Linda was genuinely afraid for her life, but he seemed beyond the point of throwing punches. He stormed out of the room, leaving Linda alone.

Almost alone.

She nearly screamed as a redheaded someone wormed out from underneath the couch.

"Matt!" she yelped. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER THERE?"

He grinned at her and held up a wireless controller.

"Kicking Mello's ass. What else?"


End file.
